Let's try Turkey again:

Email Sent to a Hotel in Instanbul, Turkey

Dear Sir:
I have always been a interested in the people and culture of the country of Turkey and plan to visit again really soon!
I have always dreamed of seeing the magnificent Dolmabahçe Palace again.
I have a unique suggestion for you and your country. First let me tell you about myself. I am a vegan. Vegans are like vegetarians, but more irritating. Vegans do not eat anything that comes from animals. We don't eat butter, cheese, eggs, bull testicles or any other animal products.
During Thanksgiving (which is a big holiday here in the U.S.) instead of eating turkey like all the normal, rational people, we vegans eat something called "tofurkey." It is made of tofu and is shaped like and tastes like turkey. Or as much an amalgam of tofu, brown rice and miso can taste like turkey.
Now I bet you’re reading this letter and thinking “well, this is all very fascinating stuff, but what does it have to do with Turkey?”
Let me explain. I think I would be a wonderful thing if you would rename your great nation of Turkey to Tofurkey. I understand this is a big decision and you need time to think about it. Also, I know it will take time to change all your signs at the airport and travel guides etc. And adjectives using the name of Turkey would also have to be modified as in : Tofurkish Bath, Tofurkish Prison.etc.
This is not such an unusual request. A quick look shows many other countries have changed their names: Persia, Sri Lanka, Myanmar, and Kuwait were once known as Iran, Ceylon, Burma and Dorkistan respectively. Even your capital, Istanbul, was once Constantinople. I learned that from an old "They Might Be Giants" song. Did you know they also do the theme song for "Malcolm in the Middle"? Man, that Dewey is crazy!
I think renaming your country to Tofurkey would really boost tourism among us vegans and our less committed cousins, the vegetarians.
Also, the word "turkey" can be used as a derogatory remark as in :
"Man, you a jive turkey!"
The word "tofurkey" cannot be used thusly.
Please write back and let me know what you think of my idea. I look forward to hearing from you.
I would love to visit Istanbul,Turkey (or should I say Istanbul, Tofurkey) again.

Sincerely,

William Shaw

Reponse from the Hotel in Instanbul, Turkey

Dear Sir,

Thank you for your kind interest about Turkey. Please do it favour for us for not coming to our country. This country is like an open insane asylum.
For your mental health you have to think to visit to sterilized lands or even keep to stay in home with your vegetables. I make this suggestion for your goodness, otherwise I do not care one more or one less insane in this asylum.
Also, I would like to remind you that people of this country consume to much bull testicles. I do not want you are to be hurted.
Best wishes,
Kamil

My Response to the Hotel in Instanbul, Turkey

Thank you for your delightful response. An open insane asylum sounds wonderful. But you didn't mention anything about the renaming of your country. What do you think of the name "Tofurky"?
And on a more serious note, how can anyone consume *too* many bull testicles?

William

Second Email from the Hotel in Instanbul, Turkey

1) "Testicleland" is better 2) I do not understand either because I am vegeterian.

My Third email to the Hotel in Instanbul, Turkey

Dear Kamil,
Thank you for your last email. It was much more coherant than your first email.
I must admit "Testicleland" has a nice ring to it. Although in your first email, you mentioned that the people of Turkey eat a lot of bull testicles. That would lead me to believe there wouldn't be too many testicles left.
Think about it: Which country would have more bull testicles? A country where testicles are eaten on a regulary basis, or a country where few if any testicles are consumed. I would wager the latter country would have more testicles.
Therefore renaming "Turkey" to "Testicleland" may be somewhat misleading. A more honest name may be "Not-As-Many-Bull-Testicles-As-You-Think-Because-We-Keep-Eating-Them-istan." Or how about "InferiorNumberOfGonads-ylvania."
If you have any other names you would like me to consider, please let me know.

William