Greencats - Comedy, Humor and Prank Emails

I thought I'd post my Michael Jackon email to the alt.music.michael-jackson Newsgroup to see the responses I'd get.

Message posted to alt.music.michael-jackson:
Hello,

I fully believe what is happening to Michael Jackson is unfair. Michael Jackson has given so much love and great music to the world and look how the people repay him.
Michael Jackson is innocent!!!!!
I'm also tired of people calling Michael Jackson a "freak." Michael is not a freak!

Let's compare Michael Jackson's freaky behavior to his non-freaky behavior:

So-called "freaky behavior":
1. Skin lightning and plastic surgery.
2. Amusement park and giraffes in his backyard.
3. Married Elvis's daughter.
4. Sleeping with pubescent boys in his bed.
5. Accused of child molestation twice.
6. Dangling his baby over a balcony.

Non-freaky behavior:
1. Has won 13 Grammy awards.
2. Is a really good singer
3. He bought the rights to The Beatles songs.
4. Recorded two songs with Paul McCartney.
5. Has never shared a kiss with Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera on the MTV Video awards.
6. He has three kids whom he loves
7. He's not an bodybuilder/governor who's been accused of being a Nazi-sympathizer and groper of women.
8. He has given thousands of dollars away to children's charities over the years.
9. He was the first black artist to get his music videos on heavy rotation on MTV.

You can see from the above lists that Michael Jackson's non-freaky behavior clearly outweighs his freaky behavior by nearly two to one (and the last time I checked two was twice as big as one.)
This proves without a shadow of a doubt Michael Jackson is not a freak!!!!!! (There are six exclamation points at the end of that last sentence just to show you how adamantly I believe in his innocence.)

Now lets look a little closer at the list of what people say is his freaky behaviour:

1. Skin lightning and plastic surgery.
Michael has stated several times that he is suffering from Vitiligo, a skin lightening disease. So are we saying anyone who is suffering from a disease is a freak? I think not!
Michael has said the only plastic surgery he had is two surgeries on his nose. Anyone who closely examines Michael Jackson's can clearly see MICHAEL IS TELLING THE TRUTH. (The capital letters are to signify how much I believe in Michael's remarks about his appearance.)
As Michael has explained, "People's faces change as they get older." Look at Elizabeth Taylor. She looks completely different now than what she looked like at age 25. She was totally hot when she was 25 and now she's grizzled and wrinkly. So how come no one accuses Elizabeth Taylor of getting plastic surgery to look grizzled and wrinkly?
Because PEOPLE'S FACES CHANGE AS THEY GET OLDER. That's why.
Another example: I currently have a mustache. If you look at a picture of me as a ten-year-old, guess what, no mustache!
I rest my case.

2. Amusement park and giraffes in his backyard.
Hey, if I had millions of dollars I'd be buying unusual things too.
If I was a billionaire like Michael Jackson, I wouldn't be sitting in my grandmother's basement apartment writing this email right now. I'd be out giraffe-shopping.
Giraffes are cool looking animals. Who among us can honestly say that they haven't wanted a giraffe in their backyard? Imagine the look on the next-door neighbor's face! Anyway, without the giraffe, who's going to keep the llamas company? The chimp? He's not even an ungulate!
Here's how I imagine a conversation between a llama and a chimp:

Llama : Don't you hate it when chewing gum gets stuck in your hoof?
Chimp : Dude, what are you talking about?
Llama: Okay, I'm gonna go chew my cud now.
Chimp : Dude, what are you talking about?

So you can clearly see Michael needed the giraffe. There's nothing sadder than a lonely llama.

3. Married Elvis's daughter.
What?? You can't marry Lisa-Marie Presley without being labeled a freak now? Okay, so I guess that makes Nicholas Cage a freak! Maybe the police should raid Nicholas Cage's house to find if he molests children too. Mothers, lock up your young sons, Oscar-winner/pedophile Nicholas Cage is on the loose!!!!

4. Sleeping with pubescent boys in his bed.
Although Michael Jackson is a 46-year-old man, inside he is a ten-year-old boy. So what's wrong with two ten-year-olds sharing a bed?
So lets call up the police: "Hello, officer. Yes, my name is Jerk McBusybody and I would like to report two ten-year-olds are sharing a bed." The cops would laugh in your face!

5. Accused of child molestation twice.
Hey, if Macaulay Culkin says Michael didn't touch him, that's good enough for me. In the movie, "Home Alone," Macaulay thwarted two crooks, so we know he's got to be a pretty smart cat. Could you imagine if Michael had tried something on Macaulay Culkin? Have you ever seen "Home Alone"???
That kid would have set up contraptions to burn Michael's hand, shoot him in the crotch with a bb gun, scorch him with a home-made flame-thrower, impale him with a nail, get Michael to walk on broken glass Christmas ornaments, hit him on the head with an iron, and take a long fall into a brick wall.
To this day Macaulay fully defends Michael Jackson.

6. Dangling his baby over a balcony.
Why is this so freaky?
Now I don't know about you, but most babies I've had experience with only weigh like 7 pounds. They are not heavy beasts.
According to the Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Department, Michael is a 5' 11' man who weighs 120 pounds.
A 5' 11'' man who weighs 120 pounds could easily, easily lift 7 pounds with one hand without dropping it. So what's the big deal?

Peace and Love,
Ian

Reply from Melvis (melvis@trailer.com):
Man....you are dumber than s$%^ and so is your logic. News Flash!!! "Home Alone" was a fictional movie. So is your argument. I have never seen someone argue a point as poorly as you have. Good grief! I almost laughed myself to puking from the idiotic points you made.

That is completely pathetic.

Melvis

My reply:
Dear Melvis, perhaps you are the one who is dumber than feces. I use the term "feces." Because I don't like to use the word, "s#$%." Damn, I just did! Now see what you did, Melvis?
The only way I could be dumber than feces, is if the feces was so smart that it worked for NASA. Or perhaps IBM. No, lets make it NASA. Or if the feces was a doctor. A really smart doctor.

Melvis, the way you worded your sentences make it look like you're saying my argument is a "fictional movie." Nothing could be further from the truth. My argument is not a "fictional movie." How can an argument be a fictional movie?? My argument is a sitcom with a wacky next door neighbour. Maybe starring Whoopi Goldberg. But I digress...

Melvis, I do not think a healthy person could laugh themselves to puking. You should probably see a doctor! Maybe you should see the feces that's smarter than a doctor. Ha, I zinged you, Mavis, er.. I mean Melvis.

Reply from Melvis (melvis@trailer.com):
Oh yeah! You got me really good. Not! Stupid ass!

Melvis

My reply:
Nice comeback, Melvis. I like how you used the word "not" to negate your first two sentences. Now, tell me, have you watched any movies or TV since "Wayne's World Part 2"
As far as the "Stupid ass" comment, I can't tell if that's directed at me. Or perhaps you're trying to train your donkey (and he wasn't obeying you) at the same time you were writing your note. Take care and write back soon! You stupid ass (that's directed at you by the way)

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