"Adoring Mail from my Beloved Fans" aka "Hate Mail, Back-Handed Compliments and Other Email I Have Received"

Sometimes I get people telling me ideas they have for sending out emails like the one below from Jackie :

hey...i wanted to let the FBI know that I've finally found Waldo, the elusive red and white striped shirt wearing character who's been on the run for years. He's in the Hamptons. I saw him last night at the 7-11. do you think the FBI would believe me or just get really pissed? hey, i could always pretend i'm a kid! heh.
Jackie

One problem with this idea, Jackie, is it may have been more appropriate 10 years ago when Waldo was popular.
Also, I don't know how good an idea is to try to pull a prank on a Federal police force which is the principal investigative arm of the United States Department of Justice.
I mean we're not talking about the Bureau of Investigation for Burkina Faso here. (Also known as the BIBF - a fine, fine organization.)

A few more problems with this idea :

1. Very difficult to get the FBI to believe that a fictional character was spotted at a 7-11 in the Hamptons. In fact, one of the main requirements for becoming an FBI officer is you have to be an expert at distinguishing real life people from characters in children's books.

2. Also, from what little I remember about Waldo, I don't believe he was "on the run" as Jackie puts it. It was more like he was just hanging around all relaxed and waiting to be spotted. I mean look at the picture below. It's hard to believe a fugitive would spend the day at an amusement park.

Ninety percent of the time, Waldo's wearing that red and white striped shirt. And that's another point: if you are hiding out from someone why would you keep wearing the same clothes over and over again? I mean, you don't have to put on a fake beard or anything. Just put on a different shirt and maybe take off the hat. This leads me to the conclusion that Waldo is not actually "on the run." He's just a guy who likes crowds.

3. Jackie's Master Plan of "pretending to be a kid" to foil the FBI may not work. I took a quick look at the FBI's 10 Most Wanted List on their official site and I couldn't find anyone on there who had escaped from the hands of the FBI by "pretending to be a kid."

But what if Jackie does try to outwit the Federal Bureau of Investigation. What would happen?
You can find the answer down below in a totally made-up section, I like to call "Jackie tries to pull a prank on the FBI."

Jackie's first email to the FBI

Hey FBI people,
I've spotted Waldo at a 7-11 in the Hamptons. Although he is a fictional character and also not wanted by the FBI, I believe you will find this information useful.
Please note I will be expecting a reward of some kind.
Yours sincerely,
Some Kid (Whose Name is Not Jackie and is Definitely Not an Adult)

P.S. I'm just a kid, remember

No Response From the FBI

Jackie's second email to the FBI

Dear FBI guys,
I sent you that email saying I spotted Waldo at a 7-11. I still haven't heard back from you. You guys remember who Waldo is don't you? He was popular about 10 years ago.
If you don't act soon, I'll be forced to contact your competitors: The Bureau of Investigation for Burkina Faso.
Yours sincerely,
Some Kid

P.S. Remember, I'm just a kid (although I am admittedly a few weeks older than the last time I wrote you)

Still No Response From the FBI

Jackie's third email to the FBI

Dear FBI guys,
Man, you guys are smart. Okay, look, I'll come clean. I was only trying to pull an innocent prank on you guys with that "Where's Waldo" stuff. It's not my fault really. I got the idea from a guy named Sanji. He has a website called greencats.com. You should probably investigate him.
Sorry about the prank.
So, obviously I'm not expecting any kind of reward. But maybe you could send me a free FBI T-shirt or something.
Yours sincerely,
Jackie

Three weeks later Jackie receives a free T-shirt in the mail from the FBI. Unfortunately it won't fit because it's CHILD SIZE. I guess that's what happens when you pretend to be a kid, Jackie.