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Original Email sent to various Comedy Clubs :
Hi, I have been performing comedy professionally in Western Canada for several years and would like to perform at your comedy club.
My act consists of me doing jokes for 10 minutes at which point my trained monkey leaps onstage and holds up a sign that says "YOU NO FUNNY!! YOU STOOOPID!" (The spelling mistakes are intentional so as to give the illusion that the chimp actually wrote the words on the sign!) After holding up the sign, the chimp will start throwing custard pies at me while I continue on with my act.
After about 10 minutes of this, the monkey will drag a large cardboard box clearly marked "FECES. The box will not be filled with real feces. It will be filled with fake dog poop I bought off the Internet. I switched to fake dog poop after some problems at one of the clubs in Edmonton I played. After each one of my jokes the monkey will hold up the same "YOU NO FUNNY!! YOU STOOOPID" sign and proceed to throw the feces at me.
The climax of the show is when I'm covered in custard and poop, starting to loose my temper and choking the monkey (this will only be mimed of course, I will not hurt the monkey). After this I will start screaming "Bad monkey!! You're a bad monkey!!!" and start to spank the monkey (get it? Spank the monkey?) The spanking of the monkey will be done while the William Tell Overture plays.

Here are some recent endorsements:

"Man, can that monkey throw [poop]!!!" - Joe R.
"Most bizarre show I've seen." - The Ogden Tribune
"Just when I thought it was the stupidest thing I've seen, it actually got worse!" - The Fairview Gazette.
"The funniest part was when the monkey tried to eat the [feces]."- Tibor T.

Would you like to see a tape of my performance? I will be available early next year.
Thank You,
William "Buzz" Shaw

P.S. My act is completely clean. No swear words, dirty jokes etc.

Response from Ron Reid, The Comedy Underground in Seattle, Washington:
Dear William:
Sorry to say we already have too many people with similar acts. Thanks for your inquiry.

Response from Comedy Factory Outlet in Baltimore, Maryland:
Send presskit along with VHS audition tape to below address.
Aurelia Wilburn, General Manager>
Comedy Factory Outlet (CFO) & A&A Entertainment
36 Light Street @ Inner Harbor, Above Burkes Restaurant
Baltimore, Maryland 21202

Response from Miami Improve Comedy Club in Coconut Grove, Florida:
Hello. If you would like to discuss any issues regarding booking you should contact Joel.
He is the owner and the sole person in charge of booking. He can be reached at 305.441.8200.
Thank you for your interest. Lisa

Response from The Buzz Comedy Club in Manchester, UK:
sorry too messy and we do not have a licence for live animals
(Messy? Who said it was going to be messy. I told you the dog poop is FAKE!!)

Response from The Zurich Comedy Club in Zurich, Switzerland:
Hello William
Thanks for your email detailing your act.
Unfortunately, we are not the Comedy Club you think we are! We are
an amateur dramatic club formed some 50 years ago when stand up
comedy had not been invented and comedy had more to do with the
French theatre genre than custard-pies and monkeys.

Sorry.
Paul Bilton
Publicity Manager
Zurich Comedy Club
(But I thought the French theatre genre was based on custard-pies and monkeys!
And heres a crazy idea for you: How about changing your name from "The Zurich Comedy Club" to "The Freaking Zurich French Theatre")

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